Keeping on Going

I'm still here, still trying. Sometimes it feels like all I do is try, but that's not quite true. It feels like I've been on a non-stop binge. My tummy hurts all the time, I often miss dinner due to being to full. I haven't been to the gym in weeks even though I really want to. I just haven't been ablle to push my head into the right space for it. I want to set up some more PT sessions to learn how to use some new equiptment, get back to using my left arm. It's lost some movement after I broke it but the strength is still there.

Despite all of that, I haven't really gained weight. I'm still sitting around the 155kg mark. Sadly I'm only 4kg off being my heaviest again.

I've been on medication for the last 12 months, fluoexitine. Together with the doctor it's been decided to try a different drug. The catch is, I have to wean off the fluoexitine first. As my dose became higher and higher I became increasingly depressed and it wasn't having a big enough effect on the OCD to make it worth continuing. I have one more week to go and then a week with nothing before starting the new medication. I don't know if I'm relying on the idea to much, but I really hope that it helps.

What else have I been doing? In amongst it all of been organizing my November wedding, working two jobs and studying for my library diploma. Online study is definitely a lot harder then I thought. I just have to keep going.

Gaining but actually Losing

Stats
Starting weight: 153.1kgs
Current Weight: 154.2kgs


A total loss gain of: 1.1kgs
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So I'm lazy, as such I'm using my initial Weight Watchers weigh in from nearly two years ago as my start weight. That said a week ago I weighed 157.4kgs so I have actually lost a few kilos this week. I'd say 'Yay' but I did eat a very large meal of KFC chicken about 12 hours before that weigh in of 157.4kgs and I did not do the same thing this week. As well as losing a few kilos due to eating properly the night before weigh in I'd also say that some of that weight loss is that initial burst of fluid type weight loss you lose at the start of any program. I'm expecting it to level out by the time I weigh in next week.
 I feel like I have the eating side of things under control at the moment, even if the retractable leash does get a bit strained at times however I do need to work at adding exercise back into my lifestyle. I've had a gym membership since I started this whole weight loss thing five years ago, sure it went through months at a time when it wasn't used at all before I'd once again, tentatively sneak in the doors and of late I've actually been enjoying some free personal training sessions with an awesome little trainer. Unfortunately the gym has just changed hands and my fee are set to double. I've been paying $13 a week this entire time but with it jumping up to $25 a week, I just can't afford it. So it's time to go shopping. Surprisingly it's actually making me feel really good.

I have never gone 'shopping' for a new gym before. I signed up at the one I did because it had a ladies only section, I didn't care about anything else. With the exception of Curves which didn't enjoy a few years ago and I doubt I'd enjoy now, none of the other gyms have in town have a ladies section, I'm gonna have to mix in with everyone else.

I had a look at my first gym today, Snap Fitness, it's certainly different to what I'm used to. Smaller, less trainers around, no classes and no sauna but I did' like it. I actually walked away feeling excited at the prospect of a fresh start. There are two other gyms in town to look at, one of which I'm  nearly happy not to bother with simply because today's gym and the other left on my list are much closer to home.

The next gym I'll look at is brand new and seems to be marketed as a weight training gym but several people have said it would be great for weight loss as well. My partner is keen on that one though I'm worried I might feel a bit intimidated. We're going to have a look at that one in a couple of days when he's off night shift.

In the meantime I've grabbed my old programs from my current gym to look through and see what I did last time and I'll keep working on the eating thing. So far so good.

A Resolution to Hit Rewind

Stats
Starting weight: ?
Current Weight:?
A total loss of: ?
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My struggles will never end yet at the same time I will not give up. I think that pretty much sums up the last two years since I've posted. 

Two years is a long time and more then I can describe in one sentence. I am once again quite overweight, yet I've never given up on trying to lose that same weight, I just don't seem to stick very well to anything I've tried. I've also grown up a tad, not completely though. I am right now sitting here with a broken elbow from trying to learn how to roller skate. I've met a boy, moved in with him and am planning a wedding for November 2016. During the last twelve months I also worked three jobs at the one time, two day jobs and a night job as a service station attendant. Unfortunately I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to being surrounded by food. 

I did actually manage to lose 20kgs in 2014, unfortunately I stalled and around the same time developed a skin condition called chronic urticaria, also known as non-stop hives. The only 'cure' for me was unfortunately very high doses of steroids so I stacked that 20kgs back on again pretty quickly and then some. Right now I'm nearly back to my heaviest weight of 159kgs. I really don't want to see that number on the scales again.

It was suggested that kick starting this blog might help me with struggles as I was writing it the first time I managed to lose the weight so I figured it sure won't hurt to give it a try.

For the past two years I have also been attempting Weight Watchers, it was how I lost that 20kgs in 2014. I still have my membership and I would like to keep trying with it, yet at the same time I wonder is it really necessary? The first time I lost the weight I wasn't following any program, just what I knew as common sense, smaller portions and a lot of exercise. Should I go back to that?

I also still have my gym membership. I've been attending personal training sessions lately due to an offer that saw me receive 6 free sessions and was actually surprised to find I really enjoy them. The rollers skating accident has stalled them at the moment but I'm definitely going to continue them as soon as I can. In the meantime I haven't been doing much as at all due to having plantar fasciitis, I'm almost afraid to go on log walks and the broken elbow rules out using the cross trainer or bike.

But I'll keep trying, I always do.

Optimism Forever

If you've been following me here, I've now moved to a new blog. www.optimism-forever.blogspot.com.au.
Hope to see you there.

*I've changed my mind, I plan to keep this blog going. 28/12/15

Duromine Report

I had no luck with the Duromine. I actually suspect the dosage wasn't high enough for me as I didn't even have any side effects. I've been trying to have a catch up with my Doctor since November but the clinic keep rescheduling my appointments. I'm rather annoyed about that.

O very recently signed up to Weight Watchers. I like tracking things so we'll see how it goes. So far I've blown my food allowance both of the days I've been doing it.

I'm also obviously lacking a lot of my earlier writing pizazz, but I'm just lacking any writing motivation at the moment. I'm hoping as I force myself to write my enthusiasm will improve.

Day 3: Duromine and Donuts

StatsStarting weight:155kg
Current Weight:155kg
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I'm starting again. I don't know how long this attempt will last, if it will last. But I'm starting again.

As you can see, I'm nearly back at my heaviest weight. If I continue on as I have been I'll create a whole new high within the month. Don't say 'just do what you did before. 'I've tried what worked last time. I've tried Lite 'n' Easy. I've tried slowly increasing my exercise. Everything falls flat. I just never seemed to have the motivation I had last time. 'Last time' had become this great, mythical thing. It's like a far off fairy tale. I'm trying again, right now at this moment I feel motivated.

My doctor has given me a prescription for Duromine. It's a medication that suppresses appetite. It's a stimulant and comes with some painful side effects, which I am so far yet to experience. It can raise your heart rate by a considerable amount and can cause sleep deprivation. 

On the first day I thought I was experiencing the raised heart rate, but that coincided with drinking to cans of caffeinated soft drink. So I cut back. Other then withdrawal symptoms form the caffeine I've had no side effects whatsoever.

I've been trying to eat healthy, a kick starter is only worth it if you don't abuse it. Yes, I could eat three apples a day and feel fine, but there's is no way I could maintain that when I come of the medication. Now I just need to introduce some exercise.

Hit the Ground Running

Stats
Starting weight:159.2kg
Current Weight:137.7kg
A total loss of: -21.5kg
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That there is the aim people, to lose five kilo's in five weeks. That's when I have my next doctors appointment. I'm not going to lie, I'm definitely still in struggle town but I do have some motivation back. I really did lose it there for a while. Two large Big Mac meals and several litres of soft drink a day, certainly not the most motivating of food to be consuming when your overall goal is to lose weight.

The big question though is how am I going to achieve this goal? I'm focusing on three things at the moment:

1. Healthy food
2. Exercise
3. Keeping up my medication

The first two are pretty obvious things, as for the third, I believe that is what helped me find that motivation again. I've made no secret of it here that I take anxiety medication, this has since been added to in the form of anti-depressants. Three weeks ago I found myself sitting in my doctors office, hair greasy and un-brushed, clothes thrown on, wrinkled and with no care of presentation and I started to cry. I've never cried in front of my doctor like I did that day. I could feel in my chest as I dressed, left the house and sat in the waiting room that it was going to happen. As soon as Kate asked me how things were the tears came running.

At the point I felt pure and utter hopelessness. My smile had disappeared, all I wanted to do was crawl under the doona and waste away. I hate that feeling. With a prescription for anti-depressants in my hand I forced a smile as Kate told me they might help me provide me with some motivation. It was either that or give up.

I feel that those little pills did work. I don't know if it's they themselves working or if it's some sort of placebo effect of me believing that they'll work from Kate telling me they will. But I feel better, I'm moving again and that's a very good start.

I've been on those little pills for three weeks now and I'm finally starting to find the swing of things again. MY friend Tiarra nagged me for nearly that entire time and before to go with the gym with her. In the end I finally realised I was just putting it off, afraid of going back after having given up. A couple of days ago I bit that bullet and went to a pilates class with her. It wasn't so bad. The next day I did another brief gym session, the day after that after failing to convince Tiarra to pilates again I just did a simple walk around the block. Today? I did a full hour-plus gym session. It's been nearly two months since I did that and I'm feeling awesome.

So that's my plan. Five kilo's in five weeks. I need to lose more then that in the long run I know, but by breaking it down into smaller segments, losing the weight goal by goal, I feel I will reach my destination all the faster. Wish me luck people, I'm off to a flying start.

Still Struggling

Stats
Starting weight:159.2kg
Current Weight:134.2kg
A total loss of: -25kg

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I'm back (I hope) and still struggling. A lot has happened in the last year, most of it good with little bits of bad thrown in. But somehow, perhaps because of everything going so well, I lost my way. I started eating the wrong foods again. For some reason I wasn't able to recognise that now I was smaller I wasn't able to eat certain foods and not gain anything. So gain I did. But I'm back now and I'm hoping to undo the damage I did in the last 12 months.

I believe that I recognise where my weight problems lie, the direct cause of them and what I need to do to reverse my weight gain. I'm just having trouble doing it. I have to learn self-control again, I have to say 'No' to what are simply food wants. Exercise is all well and good, but for anyone who knows me even they would have to say is food is where my issues arise.

Now to end with a pet hate: The people who constantly say 'Stop making excuses'. They don't understand that the things they label excuses (in my case anyway) are in fact legitimate psychological hurdles. I can't just 'stop making excuses'. These hurdles do need to be overcome I know. But it won't happen in an instant. I need to work at them, build up my resolve. I need to train my mind. With practice I know I can jump those hurdles.

Ready for Round Two!

Needless to say, it had been quite sometime since my last post, over three months to be exact. At the time I last wrote I'd had a recent gain. Unfortunately that wasn't a one off. I've since been avoiding posting here because I didn't really want to admit that my cruisey weight loss ride had come to an end. But it had.

I've had trouble with snacking, my old foe McDonalds has returned to plague me and I also haven't been going to the gym as much. All of this is having a rather negative effect on my weight. At the this point in time I honestly can't remember the last time I cooked myself dinner or had a decent breakfast. I've been living of frozen meals and Up-n-go.

At todays Doctor's appointment I admitted what was already apparent from my stepping onto the scales. I was stuck. I had been wondering if some sort of dietary supplement (in this case Celebrity Slim) would be of any benefit to me, if was in fact even 'safe' from a doctors viewpoint. Reiterating the fact that it is in no way a long term solution, my doctor agreed that it might be worth having a try of it, even if my only aim is to reduce my constant snacking and develop regular mealtimes.

Having lost weight, I am now able to very quickly notice the effects that my diet of late is having on my body. My skin is becoming troublesome again; leaving me with plenty of breakouts to deal with. My clothes are once again becoming tighter, I find it harder to wake up in the morning; feeling much more sluggish in general and I also feel that my self confidence has taken a bit of a nose-dive.

I will be starting Celebrity Slim this Thursday. It will cost me about fifty dollars a week, yet that is still much less than if I were buying McDonalds every day. Here's hoping that I can come up with results and here's hoping that you hear from me again much sooner next time!

I've Been Hiding Under the Rock of Denial...

Needless to say, it had been quite sometime since my last post, over three months to be exact. At the time I last wrote I'd had a recent gain. Unfortunately that wasn't a one off. I've since been avoiding posting here because I didn't really want to admit that my cruisey weight loss ride had come to an end. But it had.

I've had trouble with snacking, my old foe McDonalds has returned to plague me and I also haven't been going to the gym as much. All of this is having a rather negative effect on my weight. At the this point in time I honestly can't remember the last time I cooked myself dinner or had a decent breakfast. I've been living of frozen meals and Up-n-go.

At todays Doctor's appointment I admitted what was already apparent from my stepping onto the scales. I was stuck. I had been wondering if some sort of dietary supplement (in this case Celebrity Slim) would be of any benefit to me, if was in fact even 'safe' from a doctors viewpoint. Reiterating the fact that it is in no way a long term solution, my doctor agreed that it might be worth having a try of it, even if my only aim is to reduce my constant snacking and develop regular mealtimes.

Having lost weight, I am now able to very quickly notice the effects that my diet of late is having on my body. My skin is becoming troublesome again; leaving me with plenty of breakouts to deal with. My clothes are once again becoming tighter, I find it harder to wake up in the morning; feeling much more sluggish in general and I also feel that my self confidence has taken a bit of a nose-dive.

I will be starting Celebrity Slim this Thursday. It will cost me about fifty dollars a week, yet that is still much less than if I were buying McDonalds every day. Here's hoping that I can come up with results and here's hoping that you hear from me again much sooner next time!