My Not-So-Happy List

I've been in a bit of a writing mood lately, hence this inundation of blog posts. Yet despite yesterdays positive sign off I have managed to work myself into quite the funk (bad mood) in the last 24 hours. I’m not sure if it’s just one of ‘those things’, the fact that I’m stressing over a few things or what really, but it is making me feel physically ill.

Due to the fact that I am currently away from my usual place of residence I am unable to do the activities I usually partake in to work myself out of a bad mood. So, as a possible alternative, I am going to write a list of all the things that make me happy. Hopefully thinking about the things I would usually do will help me out of my bad mood.

• The Beach- I love going for walks along the beach of an evening, especially when there is no-one else around. The air smells so good, the waves sound so powerful and I just can’t keep the smile off my face.
• Drawing- Drawing can be a bit hit and miss for me, sometimes it’s like having a massive case of writers block and nothing my pen draws is how it’s supposed to be. When I’m in a bad mood I usually draw what is supposed to be me, but these drawings hardly ever look exactly like me. They usually look incredibly sad. As odd as it sounds, they do somehow feel like me.
• Listening to music- A fantastic way to escape the crazy of your own head.
• Friends- A nice long chat with a good friend is a great way to face reality. They know you nearly as well as you do yourself, they're not afraid (hopefully) to tell you to pull yourself together, they can offer sympathy and then move onto gossip as a fun distraction. You just have to hope your phone bill isn’t too expensive or that you don’t run out of credit like I did last night!
• Pets- My cat isn’t the most sympathetic of creatures, but if I surprise her when she’s asleep I can get a pretty decent hug from her.
• A  Hot shower- I turn the cold water so that’s it’s nearly completely off and just stand under the water until I run out of hot. It just makes me feel as if all of the bad is being washed away, leaving me clean and ready to start over. This used to be when I’d have a good cry, read on for more info.
• A Good Cry/Wallowing in my own self-pity- Not a great way to get yourself out of a bad mood but sometimes it just feels good to have a bit of a sook no matter how trivial the problem actually is. Unfortunately for me, crying helps me more than wallowing, but I seem to have lost the ability to do so except for when I'm extremely angry. I haven’t had a decent cry for over 12 months.

I’m sure that there are other things I do that make me happy, but these are the ones I turn too as a bad mood remedy. Unfortunately for me, writing about them didn’t help my mood. I will just have to make the best of what is tonight and hope that by tomorrow, I am in a more positive mindset. If not, then I’m just going to head home and use up all of my hot water.

Learning to Love Myself

Has anyone ever noticed how pretty much every single store has their clothing sized differently? It’s something that I’ve never had to pay any attention to as, until recently, I’ve always had to head straight to the largest item in the plus-sized clothing section.

I’ve recently started downsizing as far as clothing sizes are concerned. My weight loss has finally reached the point where every few months I have to update my wardrobe as I do seem to be shrinking in the wash. I am pleased to say that I have moved out of the mens plus-sizes and into the ‘normal’ section (where they have more interesting t-shirts). I am still firmly entrenched in plus-size ladies but I am now no longer the largest size but somewhere in the middle. When I lose two more sizes I will have moved completely out of the plus-size section, and believe me, I am never going to move back in again!

The other thing that I have noticed with my weight loss is how long it’s taking me to see the changes in my body, possibly because I see myself everyday. I have lost 30kgs now and two clothing sizes and I am only just seeing the difference between ‘then’ and ‘now’. I have always been extremely critical of my body and from the beginning of my weight loss I’ve looked for any little change. Despite the fact that the numbers on the scales and the measuring tape kept decreasing, I just couldn’t see any physical changes. Until recently that is.

As per normal I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror before my shower, and all of a sudden I saw the difference! A few days later I went shopping. At this point I was well aware that my size 26 jeans were too big, I’d already had my sewing machine out and taken them in. I was expecting that I would find myself a size 24 and away we go. A size 24 was too large. I was wearing the first pair of size 22 jeans I had worn since I was 14 years old! For someone who has always had an intense dislike of clothes shopping (probably because nothing fitted me) I was over the moon.

Another example of this was when I was out shopping today. I found a nice little (though still plus-size) cardigan in a size small. I thought ‘No way’. And it fitted! I have never worn anything size ‘S’ in my life. I will admit it was the tiniest bit tight but the way my weight loss is progressing I’m in enough of a positive mindset to assume that in several months it’s going to be too large for me anyway!

This sudden change in the way I see myself continues to amaze me. I am still very aware of the fact that I am still quite a large girl, but I’m seeing the silver lining. I can look in the mirror now and pick out features that 8 months ago just wouldn’t have registered, hidden by my weight. I love how my waist looks. I love my neck and collar bones. I love the way my eyes seem so much wider, brighter and happier now. I love how much more smiley I am. I love how strong the muscles in my legs and arms feel when I’m at the gym. I love the fact that my rings fall off my shrinking fingers. I’m even starting to love my massive feet! I never expected to lose weight from my feet but according to my shoes it does seem to be happening.

Let me tell you a bit more about how my life has influenced how I view myself. I had depression all through my teenage years. I was a quiet person who then suffered and still does from social anxiety. Large groups of people make me nervous. Being bullied about my weight from so many different directions did little to help my confidence. I had a small group of friends which due to circumstances of life is now even smaller. I feel now, that I missed out on so many of the standard experiences of being a teenager. I am 21 years old and never had a boyfriend, or had anyone interested in me romantically. I still feel the effect of all that bullying. I find that I keep clear of people who seem like they may yell something horrible at me. My self confidence is still extremely low. I live a fairly reclusive lifestyle, slightly afraid of people yet at the same time incredibly lonely. This makes me feel quite sad sometimes.

That’s why I love being able to see these changes. Seeing all these changes, all at once after what feels like so much hard work with so little reward makes me feel amazing. I used to look in the mirror and feel my heart break inside. I felt as if no-one loved me, least of all myself. I still feel like that occasionally and am extremely self conscious, but looking at myself in the mirror now makes me smile, I am beginning to love myself for who I am and what I look like. I am beginning to see changes on the outside. I am beginning to feel changes on the inside. That makes me happy.

Time for an Update

Stats 
Starting weight:159.2kg
Current Weight:128.9kg 
A loss of: - 4.9kg
A total loss of: -30.3kg
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Okay, it has been quite some time since my last post. I’m not going to feign having an extremely busy life or lack of happy news. That just isn’t true. As far as writing is concerned I’ve just been a little bit lazy of late.

Firstly I will tell you all my good news. I have lost 30.3kgs! That’s nearly half way to my goal weight! When that number popped up on the scales I swear that a Cheshire cat sized grin appeared on my face.

I was aware that I was approaching this major weight loss milestone but it caught me unaware by about a fortnight. I went to the doctors expecting to have lost 1-2kgs as per normal. I step on the scales and they say I have lost a whopping 4.9kgs in a fortnight. To say I was speechless (yet still grinning like aforementioned cat) would be an understatement. The Doctors comment was first ‘Wow’ and she also mentioned that this is the kind of weight people lose when ill.

The only thing that I can contribute to this massive amount of weight loss is the starting of a new medication. At the beginning of this blog I mentioned some issues I had in the past regarding anxiety and depression. Well despite the odd funk that I work myself into depression isn’t an issue anymore but anxiety sure has been. For the last 18 months my mental reaction to stress/anxiety has been to develop these obsessive compulsive type checking behaviours. Eg. Constantly flicking power-points and light-switches to make sure they’re ‘off’, checking doors and windows are locked, ‘Is this plastic bag empty before I throw it out? Lets check it again’, is this cup really scrubbed as clean as it could be, and checking that taps are turned of as tight as they could possibly go. Now these behaviours did not decrease my stress/anxiety, but increased it tenfold.  Basically for the past 18 months I was trying to learn to control these behaviours with psychological assistance, but as soon as I master the control of one behaviour another pops up. So after thinking about it for quite some time (I’m not a fan of being medicated) I decided some prescription meds might be worth a try.

Now, back to why this would attribute to my 4.9kg weight-loss. The medication I have been prescribed comes with many side effects, two of which I am experiencing, a near constant trembling of the hands (and at times the rest of me) and loss of appetite. I had always thought that having no appetite while on a weight-loss mission would be a fantastic thing. It’s not. I still become hungry, but the sight and smell of food occasionally makes me near physically ill. Now though the trembling does not seem to be calming down, thankfully my appetite is slowly coming back. It is no fun at all being hungry after a gym session and then having the sight of your cheese sandwich make you ill!

Though I will admit to hoping for similar results at my next weigh in a weeks time, I will also admit to being more of realist. Due to circumstances, my normal routine will be disrupted. I’m spending a week doing the rounds of all the relatives (many of whom I haven’t seen for six years) and as such will have a week free of exercise and instead have a week filled with barbeques, cheesecake and way too much of Nan’s yummy baked goods.

I apologise for the extremely long post, but I certainly enjoyed writing it. I guess I should probably keep things ‘short and sweet’ so perhaps you’ll here from me sooner next time.

Progress

Stats 
Starting weight:159.2kg
Current Weight:133.8kg 
A loss of: -2.6kg
A total loss of: -25.4kg
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Last time I wrote I had hit a bit of a plateau with my weight loss. I had my first gain and was struggling to lose it due to my habit of eating when bored. I was heading into a 3 week period that contained both Christmas and New Years.

Needless to say I overindulged over this holiday period and it was with a great sense of trepidation that I stepped on the Doctors scales this week.

I managed to lose 2.6kgs over Christmas. I am so lucky! I'm considering it a Christmas miracle. I ate badly and hardly went to the gym. I can't explain how I lost this weight, but I sure hope it continues next weigh-in. Hopefully this good start to the new year influence the rest of it. Happy New Year everyone! Though technically that greeting could probably be considered a week late...

It's Photo Time!

Well, I figured it was about time that I put a photo up. This is me as I am now. Needless to say I am a bit photo-phobic unless I'm the one taking the photo so I don't own a photo of me at my starting weight, I'm just waiting for someone who does have a photo of me at my then to email it to me. But I have a strong suspicion that I will probably end up finding it for myself when I go back to the parents place for Christmas. So there you go, this is what I look like. I should be pretty easy to find out on the street. I'll be the 6ft blond walking around with a blurry head. Merry Christmas!

The Bordem Trap

Stats
Starting weight:159.2kg
Current Weight:136.4kg
A loss of:-22.8kg
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Congratulations to myself! I have completed my graphic design course and my diploma should be arriving in the mail next week (I'm skipping the graduation ceremony). It's been a really hectic few weeks finishing my studies and I really let a lot of thing fall by the wayside: diet, gym, blogging, tv and basically everything else I enjoy.

I had thought that once I finished my classes, I would be able to get things really on track. I was going to be (and still am) jobless for a while and would have endless hours free for exercise and planning out nice satisfying healthy menus. Then the unexpected happened. I'm going to call it The Bordem Trap (TBT).

Basically, you get bored, so you end up snacking. A lot. It makes sense unfortunately. Since I am a jobless bum, I wake at about 10am each day. Have breakfast and go to the gym. And then I have nothing left to do for the whole day, everyday. I've been finding that when bored, I start foraging for whatever food can be scrounged from my empty cupboards. I can't find any goodies so now it's time to break out the mixing bowl and oven mits. Let's make a cake, some biscuits, piklets, chocolate pudding, scones or a custard tart. I really need a good distraction.
Unfortunaly they're a bit hard to come by when you actually need one.

Before The Bordem Trap I was down to being 135.3kgs. Then it went up by 2.4kgs. I've been really fighting The Trap this past week and managed to re-lose 1.3kgs. BUt I still feel really disappointed with myself. This was my first gain I've had since I started to lose weight. I suppose that I was starting to think myself some sort of super-human weight loss warrior. I guess I managed to finally find my kryptonite(is this the right pop culture reference?).

The answer to my Bordem Trap would defiantly be to find a job, but at this time of year and with no experience doing anything I'm finding it really hard. Firstly I have no experience and despite my diploma, I don't think that I really want to work in graphic. My second problem is uni students. Schools all over for the year so they all move back home and back to the jobs they had before they left for uni and then when they start drifting back to the capital cities and classes in February/March/April, they leave all the empty places behind. Unfortunately, this coincides with the end of the areas massive summer tourist season (I live in a seaside town so tourist season really is HUGE). So the job prospects really aren't looking to good for me.

So whilst I continue to navigate (with a very patchy map) around The Bordem Trap, I hope that everybody else's weight loss/healthy lifestyle endeavours are having more sucess than mine.

Happy Holidays!

Lets Celebrate!

Stats
Starting weight:159.2kg
Current Weight:138.3kg
A loss of:-20.9kg
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I had a weigh-in on Monday. And as I was watching the scales settle down and decide on a number, I just knew that I had finally reached the 20kg mark. That means that I've lost a quarter of the weight I want to lose. Only about another 60kgs to go now!

On a less joyous note I let myself have a day off from gym, after an attendance of 30 days in a row. It was as if I had given myself permission to binge, and I did. After two weeks of being really good, all self-control just flew out the window. I was full after eating the two Big Mac meals but I still kept eating until I just felt so ill. I was still feeling the effects of it the next day.

I also noticed, and this has not happened before (to some extent I usually enjoy eating the 'bad' food), I felt really down the next day. I think it was caused by the food and missing gym. And because I felt so down, I skipped gym again yesterday as well. I think I read somewhere that exercise and healthy eating is a mood enhancer. If this is true, then I think I can safely say that the cause of my mood was that day of McDonald's and no gym.

I'm hoping to get 'it' right again from now on (well at least as far as my next weigh-in, baby steps people). I've got the day off from classes today, so I have absolutely no reason not to go to gym. I hope things go well this fortnight, starting today.

My Little Triumphs

Stats
Starting weight:159.2kg
Current Weight:141.5kg
A loss of:-17.7kg
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Well, I've been having a bit of a slump in the speed of my weight loss recently. In the past 3 weeks I've only lost about a kilo. So for this fortnight, in the time before my next weigh-in, I'm giving self-control a go. It's day three so far and I think I'm doing alright. Here's a few of 'My Little Triumphs'.

1.I've had breakfast two days in a row. Nothing particularly fantastic (a fruit
bar) but for a non-breakfast person, at least It's a start.
2.I passed on a pack of double chocolate Tim Tams. For those of you who don't
know, Tim Tams are the most fantastic chocolate biscuits, and double
chocolate...mmm.
3.I've switched to sugar free lollies. This actuallywasn't to hard of a switch to
make.
4.I've been passing on the biscuits, cakes, breads and everything else that I'd
usually buy on a whim (this has been really hard).

I would say that sometimes I have spent up to 15 minutes standing in front of a certain area of the supermarket, absolutely agonising over 'should I, or should I not' buy that packet of Tim Tams. Shopping has certainly been extremely stressful this week!

But so far I have been succeeding, excluding a family block of Aero chocolate, which I am pleased to say I haven't scoffed and is safely in storage in the depths of my freezer (frozen chocolate isn't particularly nice to eat). I'm really hoping that all of these things help to show results in my weigh-in in two weeks

Another thing that I'm quite pleased to mention is that I'm up to 19 days of gym in a row! And they were all hour long sessions! Now lets see I f I can get to day twenty.

Anyway time for me to go. Goodnight everybody!

Jenny's Cookery Corner

Stats
Starting weight:159.2kg
Current Weight:142.4kg
A loss of:-16.8kg
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I've been reading through a few of my recipe books over the last couple of days and I have to say, I think I've come across a couple of winners.

This first recipe is worth about 1.5 'points' on the Weight Watchers system, for a serving of 4 spring rolls.

Raw Vegetable Spring Rolls
These are the vegetables that I used:
-Capsicum sticks
-Corn Kernals
-Carrot sticks
-Letuce
-Chopped Tomatoes
-Rice Paper Spring Roll wrappers

Too make these all that you need to do is follow the directions on the packet to prepare the rice paper, put your raw vegetables in and wrap it up. There's a dipping sauce to go with in made up of 1/4 cup of Kecap Manis (a sweet soy sauce) and a tablespoon of sweet chilli sauce. Just mix these two together and start dipping!
It's best to eat them within a couple of hours, but if you're like me, they won't last much longer than that anyway!

The second recipe is a vegetable soup. It's very nearly 'point' free unless you add noodles like I did. It's really easy to make too.

Vegetable Soup
You'll need 2 Litres of stock, either chicken or vegetable, and whatever veggies you want to add (I used carrots, cauliflower and zuccini), though it's probably best to stay clear of potatoes as they're a starchy vegetable. Chop up all of these vegetables, put them in a pot with the stock and simmer until they're cooked. Then your done. If you don't mind the extra calories, feel free to chuck in some pasta. I think it makes 4-8 bowls of soup depending on how many vegetables you throw in.

Both of these recipes are really easy to put together though the spring roll recipe takes a little bit of time to put together. Hope you like them. Enjoy!

It smells like spring!

Stats
Starting weight:159.2kg
Current Weight:142.4kg
A loss of:-16.8kg
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Spring has finally made a proper entrance in Victoria, Australia this weekend. And it was only a month late! I'm sitting out on the nice cool and sunny veranda. I may be imagining that I can smell the beach (1.5km away) but I can defiantly smell summer in the air. As much as this is making me feel all bouncy and optimistic at the moment, I know that the moment the temperature reaches 30 degrees (86f) I'm going to turn into Miss Grumbles, hiding inside my flat with the curtains closed and several fans on full blast.

The unfortunate reality is that fat is NOT fun when you fall into that cruel category of 'morbidly obese'. I break into a sweat walking the 10 metres to hang my washing out. Choosing clothes to wear is a catch 22. I wear dark clothes so that any sweat patches aren't visible, yet as in every other place around the world, dark clothes absorb every possible ray of heat around.

As I said earlier though, this pleasant weather (not too hot, not too cold and it smells so good) has me feeling optimistic. Hopefully by the time summer officially rolls around on December first, I will have lost 20kgs (44lbs) or more since that 20kg mark is only 3.2kgs away, and I will find this summer easier to cope with. Perhaps I'll be able to wear shorts (but not short shorts. I'm nowhere near ready for that!) and singlet tops instead of dark, moderately long sleeved shirts and full length, heavy as all hell when sweaty, jeans.

I think I'm going to go make the most of this weather now. I've spent all afternoon answering cruel questions about web design, which as it was holiday homework, I should have started it long before the due date (tomorrow). Its the time of year when I plant my giant sunflowers (over 6ft) and the dwarf variety (1ft) as well. I'm still puzzling over where to put my delicious broad (fava) beans this year as during winter I filled my veggie patch with roses. I'll just have to dig a new hole somewhere...

Have a good day everyone, I know I have. See-ya!