Learning to Love Myself

Has anyone ever noticed how pretty much every single store has their clothing sized differently? It’s something that I’ve never had to pay any attention to as, until recently, I’ve always had to head straight to the largest item in the plus-sized clothing section.

I’ve recently started downsizing as far as clothing sizes are concerned. My weight loss has finally reached the point where every few months I have to update my wardrobe as I do seem to be shrinking in the wash. I am pleased to say that I have moved out of the mens plus-sizes and into the ‘normal’ section (where they have more interesting t-shirts). I am still firmly entrenched in plus-size ladies but I am now no longer the largest size but somewhere in the middle. When I lose two more sizes I will have moved completely out of the plus-size section, and believe me, I am never going to move back in again!

The other thing that I have noticed with my weight loss is how long it’s taking me to see the changes in my body, possibly because I see myself everyday. I have lost 30kgs now and two clothing sizes and I am only just seeing the difference between ‘then’ and ‘now’. I have always been extremely critical of my body and from the beginning of my weight loss I’ve looked for any little change. Despite the fact that the numbers on the scales and the measuring tape kept decreasing, I just couldn’t see any physical changes. Until recently that is.

As per normal I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror before my shower, and all of a sudden I saw the difference! A few days later I went shopping. At this point I was well aware that my size 26 jeans were too big, I’d already had my sewing machine out and taken them in. I was expecting that I would find myself a size 24 and away we go. A size 24 was too large. I was wearing the first pair of size 22 jeans I had worn since I was 14 years old! For someone who has always had an intense dislike of clothes shopping (probably because nothing fitted me) I was over the moon.

Another example of this was when I was out shopping today. I found a nice little (though still plus-size) cardigan in a size small. I thought ‘No way’. And it fitted! I have never worn anything size ‘S’ in my life. I will admit it was the tiniest bit tight but the way my weight loss is progressing I’m in enough of a positive mindset to assume that in several months it’s going to be too large for me anyway!

This sudden change in the way I see myself continues to amaze me. I am still very aware of the fact that I am still quite a large girl, but I’m seeing the silver lining. I can look in the mirror now and pick out features that 8 months ago just wouldn’t have registered, hidden by my weight. I love how my waist looks. I love my neck and collar bones. I love the way my eyes seem so much wider, brighter and happier now. I love how much more smiley I am. I love how strong the muscles in my legs and arms feel when I’m at the gym. I love the fact that my rings fall off my shrinking fingers. I’m even starting to love my massive feet! I never expected to lose weight from my feet but according to my shoes it does seem to be happening.

Let me tell you a bit more about how my life has influenced how I view myself. I had depression all through my teenage years. I was a quiet person who then suffered and still does from social anxiety. Large groups of people make me nervous. Being bullied about my weight from so many different directions did little to help my confidence. I had a small group of friends which due to circumstances of life is now even smaller. I feel now, that I missed out on so many of the standard experiences of being a teenager. I am 21 years old and never had a boyfriend, or had anyone interested in me romantically. I still feel the effect of all that bullying. I find that I keep clear of people who seem like they may yell something horrible at me. My self confidence is still extremely low. I live a fairly reclusive lifestyle, slightly afraid of people yet at the same time incredibly lonely. This makes me feel quite sad sometimes.

That’s why I love being able to see these changes. Seeing all these changes, all at once after what feels like so much hard work with so little reward makes me feel amazing. I used to look in the mirror and feel my heart break inside. I felt as if no-one loved me, least of all myself. I still feel like that occasionally and am extremely self conscious, but looking at myself in the mirror now makes me smile, I am beginning to love myself for who I am and what I look like. I am beginning to see changes on the outside. I am beginning to feel changes on the inside. That makes me happy.